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10 Signs Your Quarantine Cutie Might be Breaking Up with You

We all knew that feeling in our pre-covid lives when our crush wasn’t exactly crushing back. Dating has never been easy, let alone in a global pandemic. So from the person you’re eyeing to the person you’re crying next to in bed every night, here are 10 signs your cutie might be out the door forever.

10. You sent them a link to your Hulu Watch party and they didn’t show up.

After-resigning up for a free Hulu trial for the third time, you decided to watch BRIDGERTON, a sultry drama about two hotties lying to themselves and everyone around them, gallivanting as if they’re not completely into each other. Thinking that the how-long-can-we-pretend-not-to-be-in-love vibes will send signals to your Quaran-QT that you two can be love torn as well, you are once again binge watching this romance in your studio apartment in the sole company of a bag of Cheetos that won’t make it to the first commercial break. An evening so not hawt, they aren’t even Hot Cheetos.

9. They’ve been staying “late at the office.”

This is insulting because the “office” is an old lazy-boy set up with a tv tray and a desk in a corner of the living room. Tell them to come to the bed and finish BRIDGERTON with you! There are literally just 3 episodes left. Oh, they have a zoom call? Well why is their co-worker Sam zoom calling this late?

8. You send a flirty, “U up?

You sent a flirty, “U up?” and they respond, “Just fell asleep.”

I’m sorry to have to tell you this but 👏 interest 👏 is 👏 lost.

Obviously they are not asleep; if they were asleep Instagram wouldn’t say “Active Now!”

7. They are wearing a new hand sanitizer.

Normally your Q-QT applies the same generic hand sanitizer they bought at the corner store. But all of a sudden, they’ve started wearing an aloe vera echinacea cream with lavender that kills 99.9 percent of germs. Who are they trying to impress? It better not be Sam from work.

6. You were politely asked not to be in the family Christmas photo.

This is especially painful considering that this year, the family Christmas photo was a screenshot of a zoom call. That’s downright uncalled for, especially after you took the time to send a nicely written email to their mom sharing a stuffing recipe (might I add, was 5 star rated and came from a credible source know as a little outfit called The Food Network!) Well, if that’s how they want to act you don’t want to be a part of that family anyways.

5. You usually spend time together with a sexy six feet of separation but lately they’ve been keeping their distance at an awkward eight.

Following CDC guidelines isn’t the most intimate experience but you two have adjusted. Whether it be a picnic in a park, or dinner in a dome, you two flirt with a cozy 6 feet between you, but lately they have been remaining at a #awkward8…WTHicketyHeck is up with that? Natural deodorant can’t be blamed for this one, the end is near.

4. You notice a new user on their Netflix account.

You are all for sharing resources; heck in many ways you consider yourself the Bernie Sanders of streaming platforms, but it’s kind of awkward when you log in and it’s you, your pandemic babe, and someone named S@M. SRSLY, who the eff is Sam??

3. You saw them on tinder.

Okay, so in your defense you forgot to uninstall it, maybe that’s what happened to them too. It’s okay to look. Plus, you were only looking to see if you recognized people who you know IRL. No harm in hunting for a little chuckle — it means nothing. You are in a happy…and loving…situation. Just keep playing it cool.

2. They watched THE QUEEN’S GAMBIT without you.

You treat them like a King or a Queen, but now you are out here taking L’s like a knight. Don’t make excuses for them, they could have waited. What an absolute pin.

1.) You sent your LDQC (long-distance quarantine cutie) nudes and you didn’t get the response you expected.

First off it took them three days to respond. Ouch. And when they did, you realized all they sent was a thumbs-up emoji. Super Ouch. Save your dignity and swipe through Tinder for real this time. 👍

Written by Jan Miller and Matt Struck. Little known fact, Jan and Matt attended the same alternative high school and if you met them in real life you would think, “Yeah that makes sense.”

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