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Bezos Pledges to Stop Making Amazon Boxes Out of Workers’ Skin

SEATTLE, WASH. — In an effort to appease critics of its working conditions, Amazon has pledged to stop making its boxes out of its employees’ skin. “We’ve heard your feedback,” said Amazon Founder and CEO Jeff Bezos. “We have made the decision to stop using employee flesh as packaging material.” The company began making its boxes from the flesh of its workers in an effort to be more eco-friendly and “use the whole employee,” Bezos said. Amazon is now looking into alternative materials for its packaging, such as its employees’ clothing or personal items. Bezos said the company plans to phase out employee flesh completely by 2026. The initiative will earn Amazon an additional $60 billion tax break. “We will still use employee teeth,” Bezos clarified. “Not all of the teeth, just the ones that fall out while on the job — if it hits the floor, it’s ours.”

Written by Ryan Kushner. Ryan is a total Capricorn and will leave his camera off during a zoom call as an intentional power move.

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