The wait is over, Tom Cruise fans — the acclaimed actor’s giant eggs have finally hatched! But the greatest surprise of all was what was inside them.
Cruise debuted the contents of his eggs on Really Late Night with Matt Struck because he wanted to share the “joy of discovery” with Matt. Matt and Cruise first met in an improv class given by the Church of Scientology. (Matt was later rejected by the church due to his personality and “overenthusiasm.”)
Matt invested $25,000 of his own personal income in the contents of Cruise’s giant eggs prior to their hatching. Cruise laid the majority of his eggs throughout the month of November.
“I wasn’t even sure how many eggs there were,” Matt quipped on Really Late Night while discussing his investment. “I didn’t want to count the eggs before they — ”
Cruise then cut Matt off and went into an hour-long diatribe about how he does his own stunts because he keeps accidentally backing over all his stunt doubles with his car.
But neither Matt nor Cruise could have predicted what was inside the giant eggs: blood and some hair.
The exciting reveal of the blood-and-hair-filled eggs prompted an emotional reaction from the studio audience, and no shortage of “oohs” and “awws” could be heard. Cruise even held Matt’s hand as the host vomited violently into a potted plant.
For a moment following the hatching, Cruise insisted one of his eggs contained a small velociraptor corpse. However, further inspection revealed it was simply “filled to the brim” with blood and hair.
But the surprises didn’t stop there! As Matt and Cruise discussed the possibility of eating the contents of the eggs, a team of scientists stormed the Really Late Night studio and carted the giant eggs away.
Matt attempted to stop the hazmat-suited agents by screaming, “My eggs! My eggs!” but he was quickly tasered in the groin and went limp.
Cruise unleashed a foul-smelling saliva from his throat, severely burning one of the agents and several members of the studio audience. He was eventually subdued by a strange gas and hauled away in a blue tarp.
Matt has since mortgaged the Really Late Night studio and is now offering $4,000 for any information about where giant eggs are being held.
It just goes to show, you never know what will happen on the set of Really Late Night!
(Please contact us with any information pertaining to the giant eggs. Matt is distraught and could really use a win.)
Written by Caleb Torrez. Caleb is a total Capricorn and is often responds to text messages with just the letter K.