United Airlines Now Offering ‘Panicked Senator’ Flight Package

Inspired by recent events, United Airlines announced it is now offering a specialized ‘Panicked U.S. Senator’ Flight Package for its customers. The package includes roundtrip airfare from Houston, Texas, to any vacation destination in Mexico, with the added perk that the plane turns around mid-flight and slinks back to Houston. “Our clients appreciate the benefit of the plane never touching the ground,” United Airlines CEO Clark Gimble stated. “This gives them ample time to figure out how to blame this trip on their daughters.” The service also offers personalized luggage handling to ensure any packed sombreros do not fall out mid-press conference. To qualify for the package, panicky fliers must show U.S. senator I.D. and provide ample evidence that a scandal is breaking. “The scandal must be bad enough that their horrible spotty beard looks good by comparison,” Gimble added.

Written by Ryan Kushner. Ryan is a total Capricorn and will leave his camera off during a zoom call as an intentional power move.

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